Moving Past Shame: Cultivating Sex-Positivity in Your Life
Many people absorb messages while growing up implying that sexuality and sexual desire are shameful, inappropriate, or somehow "bad." This can cause lasting feelings of sexual shame, guilt, and inhibition. But your sexuality is a natural, healthy part of being human. Healing your relationship with this part of yourself through sex-positivity can be deeply empowering.
Where Does Sexual Shame Come From?
Sexual shame often originates from repressive attitudes and silence around sexuality in childhood. Negative or judgmental messages about sex from family, school, religion or society get lodged in the psyche. Even if no overt shaming occurred, lack of open, accurate sex education perpetuates stigma and confusion. The media also often links sex with risk or danger.
People worry what others will think if they freely embrace their sexuality. Fears of being abnormal or perceived as slutty and anxiety around performance can also breed shame. Childhood trauma, sexual abuse, or body image issues may further hamper positive sexuality.
Unpacking Internalized Sexual Shame
Reflect on where your own sexual shame stems from. Was sex taboo in your family or community? Were you taught to cover up and remain “chaste”? Did authority figures convey disapproval? Did peers judge or ridicule you for normal adolescent curiosity? Was abuse or assault distorted into being your fault?
Openly acknowledging these influences is the first step in healing. The things you absorbed don’t reflect some inherent flaw or sexual “badness” in you. They stem from systemic factors beyond your control. Release self-blame and start rewriting the sexual narrative moving forward.
Signs You Have a Shame-Based Mindset:
Difficulty communicating needs and desires
Apologizing or feeling guilty for sexual thoughts/behaviors
Silencing or judging your own fantasies and turn-ons
Worrying your desires are abnormal or perverse
Linking your value to purity or lack of experience
Only feeling safe being sexual within committed monogamous relationships
Using substances to lower inhibitions around sex
Choosing Sex-Positivity
Sex-positivity means adopting an open, judgment-free attitude toward consensual adult sexual expression. It involves respecting your own sexual interests and needs. This allows shame, fear and repression to fall away so your sexuality can unfold organically.
Some key principles of sex-positivity include:
Accepting all consensual sexual orientations, identities and dynamics as valid. Nothing between consenting adults is inherently wrong or dirty.
Rejecting external standards about how you “should” experience desire or pleasure. You are the expert on your sexuality.
Seeing sex as a natural part of life to be integrated in a holistic way rather than sectioned off.
Remaining thoughtful and ethical in your sexual choices, but not suppressing healthy desires.
Knowing you can say no to any sexual activity without judging your own motives. Consent is always mandatory.
Leaning into pleasure and erotic intimacy as inherent human needs, not luxuries. Prioritize exploring your sexuality.
Embracing sexual diversity and representation in media, art, public policy, education.
Owning Your Sexuality
It takes practice to adopt sex-positive thinking after a lifetime of internalizing shame. Be patient with yourself. Journal about your sexual journey, interests you feel shy about, experiences that brought shame, and your vision for sex-positivity. Express your whole authentic sexuality through erotic art, stories, poetry, or consensual sharing on anonymous platforms. Consume ethically created erotic materials that turn you on. Discuss sex openly with trusted confidants. Therapeutic support can help overcome trauma inhibiting your sexuality.
Take small risks to access new aspects of your erotic self. Notice when shame arises and consciously release it. Speak to yourself about sex with the kindness and understanding you would show a best friend or child. Know that integrating sexuality in a transparent way enriches rather than diminishes you.
Owning your sexuality means honoring your desires while making choices from a place of emotional maturity and integrity. As shame loses its grip, you gain access to deeper intimacies, joy, self-knowledge, and confidence. You cultivate the wisdom to discern what feels right. When you freely claim your sexuality as birthright rather than stigma, you can finally embrace it as a beautiful gift.
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